Every now and again I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness about my life.
For some people, growing up in a family environment where you are supported, nurtured, praised and comforted is the norm and to a degree I always thought that I didn't have it that bad. It's only been in my late 20's and early 30's that I've started to realise that all the times I said to myself 'at least I'm not in so & so's situation' or 'i'm making all this up just to get attention' that actually, I was learning to control myself in ways that would later prove to be potentially damaging.
Now before readers think of this as yet another person seeking to bare their soul on blog as a white, middle class male from Surrey - I'd like to point out that my natural disposition is not one of self destruction. Infact on the whole I'm a very positive and progressive and successful person for my age. But more recently, as this blog shows in it's past - I have been on a quest for self knowledge, self love and a sense of composed truth in my life.
For two years flat I've had therapy to try to draw out my inner demons and to dispel them and having over come the fact that therapy and self reflection is not just a tool for the weird, damaged or violated, it's shown me a lot about myself that I knew but didn't know how to objectify over. The long on short of me can be distilled down to this:
" I have never felt part of a loving family, nor was I taught how loving families operated. As such I've always searched for being part of a family that reflect my inner nature only to find that when I get there I'm unable to feel part of it "
So what does this mean in practice? To me, in surviving my childhood unscarred physically but bigger on the inside than on the out, I've become fit for one purpose only - longing. And boy does longing make a prick of me at times as with longing comes a desire in yourself to mislead your life in search of a fantastical heaven-like place known as true relationship.
For someone who is desperate to love, hold, care for and desire - I have to ask myself why I am so totally incapable of it in a way that really works. Both me and my brother suffer from what can only be described as 'Emotional Depravation Syndrome' - an extreme case of being emotionally malnourished as child which wreaks havoc on our abilities to orientate the world in a way that doesn't lead to over investment, disappointment, a sense of duty and detachment from feelings.
I have a highly sensitive emotional capacity - its just not geared towards dealing with the positive things in life, on the negative. I survived my youth by being fit in terms of mind and soul, at least fit enough to withstand the torture of adolescent bullying, maliciousness and under-engagement.
And all of this makes me sad at a level that seems inexpressible. I've always been a big romantic, a writer of songs and poetry to gain self expression, attention or empathy yet to some people they can't see it even if they're looking at it in the face.
As I get nearer 32 and ultimately have to think about Kids, I'm at a loss to know how to survive the march of time and have children without getting it fundamentally wrong on multiple levels. You tend to find the harder you run away from things, the closer you end up coming to repeating the same mistakes.
One day, I hope to wake up and realise that I've come to terms with my past and can look at my future objectively. To love and to be loved. To have and be had. To know and to be known.
Fingers crossed for some peace of mind in my lifetime...
