Its been several months since I've written anything at all. Blogs, music, poetry, prose..... anything.

In that time I've scaled by the self inquisition of my life just a little by stopping seeing my therapist. I've been going to a therapist for over two years - infact I've seen 6 different people in that time from counsellors to therapists of different types and spent a lot of cash trying to just make myself a more content, less complicated person.

Its strange that in that time I've fought so hard to admit that I might suffer with depression. I'm naturally an upbeat, positive person who revels in providing others with opportunities, ideas and ways forward. I've made a career of it. However, after an incident involving a friend a week or so ago where we fiercely disagreed with each other about something to do with my family, I recognised that all that I had been fighting to prove was in vein. There's no doubt that my relationships are at the centre of my sense of wellbeing - but actually there's something that runs deeper in me that how I relate to other people.

I've been reading a book about the depression that plagued Spike Milligan during his life and for the first time saw the parallels independent of any one particular relationship in my life between how I feel much of the time and how he is described as feeling.

Stepping out of the theraputic process gives you just enough chance to start feeling rather than thinking. In that time - recogniaing that I may have suffered with depression as an illness is something that I've come to try to allow myself the chance of expressing. I went to see the GP last week and said as much to him. I'm going back on Thursday and he's going to have reviewed my notes.

After all this time, it could be that I'm making some headway into understanding how I feel.....